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Quiet Intimidation 7 March, 2014

Posted by monopod in Baby.
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Remember this? Well, I am quite pleased to report that Mothering 101: Looks does work on occasion. At 16 months Erin now says please when I give her a Look. And actually sometimes totally spontaneously too. Her older brother might want to learn a thing or two from her.


We Were Talking About Sleep? 10 August, 2008

Posted by monopod in Baby, Self-Absorption.
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(While waiting in the payment queue at John Lewis, just before the little one’s next meal)
Me: I can’t remember what side we’re supposed to be on now. {Absentmindedly checks breasts} You see, this is what I’ve been reduced to… fondling my bits in public.

Him: Do you need your wallet and phone?
Me: Can you keep them for me for now… I haven’t anything to carry them in. {Catches sight of self in mirror} Yikes. I take that back, give them to me. I’ll carry them in my eye luggage.

Ah well. So much for being a sophisticated young yummy mummy. One out of four isn’t bad.

Sleep Training, Yeah Yeah Yeah 6 August, 2008

Posted by monopod in Baby.
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From the Baby Whisperer Forums, to all mums everywhere. *Snort*

Sleep Training

OK, here’s my situation. My Mommy has had me for almost 7 months. The first few months were great–I cried, she picked me up and fed me, anytime, day or night. Then something happened. Over the last few weeks, she has been trying to STTN (sleep thru the night). At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it is only getting worse. I’ve talked to other babies, and it seems like it’s pretty common after Mommies have had us for around 6 months. Here’s the thing: these Mommies don’t really need to sleep. It’s just a habit. Many of them have had some 30 years to sleep–they just don’t need it anymore. So I am implementing a plan. I call it the Crybaby Shuffle.  It goes like this:  Night 1–cry every 3 hours until you get fed. I know, it’s hard. It’s hard to see your Mommy upset over your crying. Just keep reminding yourself, it’s for her own good.

Night 2–cry every 2 hours until you get fed.

Night 3–every hour.

Most Mommies will start to respond more quickly after about 3 nights.  Some Mommies are more alert, and may resist the change longer. These Mommies may stand in your doorway for hours, shhhh-ing. Don’t give in. I cannot stress this enough: CONSISTENCY IS KEY!! If you let her STTN (sleep through the night), just once, she will expect it every night. I KNOW IT’S HARD! But she really does not need the sleep, she is just resisting the change. If you have an especially alert Mommy, you can stop crying for about 10 minutes, just long enough for her to go back to bed and start to fall asleep. Then cry again. It WILL eventually work. My Mommy once stayed awake for 10 hours straight, so I know she can do it.

Last night, I cried every hour. You just have to decide to stick to it and just go for it. BE CONSISTENT! I cried for any reason I could come up with.My sleep sack tickled my foot. I felt a wrinkle under the sheet. My mobile made a shadow on the wall. I burped, and it tasted like pears. I hadn’t eaten pears since lunch, what’s up with that? The cat said “meow”. I should know. My Mommy reminds me of this about 20 times a day. LOL. Once I cried just because I liked how it sounded when it echoed on the monitor in the other room. Too hot, too cold, just right–doesn’t matter! Keep crying!! It took awhile, but it worked. She fed me at 4am. Tomorrow night, my goal is 3:30am. You need to slowly shorten the interval between feedings in order to reset your Mommies’ internal clocks.

P.S. Don’t let those rubber things fool you, no matter how long you suck on them, no milk will come out. Trust me.

Things Motherhood Teaches You 13 July, 2008

Posted by monopod in Baby.
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(1) You can do a lot of things with your other hand, your toes, your elbows and pretty much every other body part that isn’t otherwise currently occupied with holding the baby.
(2) You develop an enduring fascination with bodily secretions, the noisier and more forceful the better. Apart from bodily secretions from the nether regions, joy is a big booger. By way of proof of interest, see The Many Diverse Uses of Boogers.
(3) That annoying thing where women start calling their partners ‘daddy’ even when they’re not talking to their babies? Yeah, you’re doing it too.
(4) A smile never had so much mileage.
(5) Even if you thought that you were generally rather a chilled-out person, motherhood is nearly guaranteed to bring out the neurotic in you. See Impetigo. So you will alternately be beaming with pride that your baby is putting on lovely amounts of weight and fraught with worry that he’s becoming a chubster. You will also worry that you are overfeeding him, misreading his hunger cues, carrying/stimulating him too much, not carrying/stimulating him enough, missing his sleep windows, letting him sleep too much, et cetera.

I’m off to overfeed my baby now.

Mastitis Schmastitis 13 July, 2008

Posted by monopod in Baby.

I think I may unintentionally have encouraged an already overactive milk supply by all this enthusiastic pumping. As a result I have to call my GP tomorrow morning because I may very well have given myself mastitis. Hurrah for squirty boobs.

Cow 4 July, 2008

Posted by monopod in Baby.

(While trying to express milk from the same side after baby’s had first go)

Him: I really don’t think you’re going to get any more out of there.
Me: You don’t say. It’s like trying to milk a dead cow.

That is all.

Motherhood and Apple-Pie 3 July, 2008

Posted by monopod in Baby.
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I can’t quite believe that the little one is now six weeks old, or how much he’s grown in such a short space of time. On Monday the health visitor came for his 6-week checkup, and I was absolutely delighted to discover that he was now 10lb 4oz, up from a birth weight of 7lb 13oz, and a whole 5cm longer too. I am clearly feeding him good stuff. Viva la milk.

The conundrum is that I do and I don’t want him to grow up. There is so much to look forward to, but these early days are passing far too quickly. He’s already outgrown all his newborn-sized clothes and nappies, and showing no signs of slowing down. He’s also started smiling at Him and me, and this time we don’t have to put it down – sensibly, if disappointingly – to wind.

Him and I have, of course, done the doting parent thing and come up with all sorts of cheesy nicknames for him. To date he is my sleepy slug, my oxytocin baby, my radiator baby, my piglet, and (grandpa-coined, this one) my toughie. Ah, what the heck, I’ll just be cheesy, because I love him completely and utterly to bits.

If nothing quite prepares you for the overwhelming love, nothing also quite prepares you for how helpless or inadequate you can feel when you inevitably realise you can’t be the perfect mother. Tuesday was the first day ever that I was alone with him for most of the day, and let me tell you, it is bone-crushingly heart-breaking when your baby is screaming until he’s purple in the face and you cannot figure out WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM, because he’s been fed and burped and changed and you’ve started the naptime routine within his sleep window and as far as you can tell he’s not in pain. Of course it always turns out that while you weren’t looking he decided he wasn’t quite finished with his meal, so I don’t know why I haven’t cottoned on yet. Muppet.

Another thing that I haven’t yet accepted is that some things are in fact out of your control. A couple of weeks ago he started developing some patches of dry skin on his forehead, which then started to crust over, and then all of a sudden it had spread all around and between his eyebrows (which reminds me, I missed out Klingon Toughie in the nickname list*). We thought it was cradle cap and were treating it accordingly until it was suggested that in fact it might be impetigo, at which point I naturally reacted by thinking MY BABY HAS IMPETIGO ARRGGGHHH WHAT KIND OF A MOTHER AM I IS IT GOING TO LEAVE SCARS. Of course, it wasn’t impetigo; it was indeed cradle cap, which as far as I can tell I couldn’t have stopped him developing. But the point is that it still looks awful, and because I have obsessively and futilely pursued nice skin for myself for as long as I can remember, I naturally have hang-ups about beautiful baby skin. Such is a mother’s neurosis.

I’m not quite sure how stay-at-home mums manage to keep several children respectable and still do the cooking and housework, not to mention stay sane. I suppose Supermum status comes with time and I shouldn’t be expecting it at six weeks, but for now I will simply be trying to keep one little baby full, clean and well-rested. I stress the ‘one’, at least for now, which is why when my GP asked me the standard ‘what are you doing for contraception’ question at my postnatal checkup on Monday, I told him “NOT HAVING SEX.”

*I also missed out Wriggly Worm and Hairy Houdini.

Growing Up 1 July, 2008

Posted by monopod in Baby.

Mum and Dad flew home on Saturday night. I was fine at the airport but once we got back, there was no Dad on the armchair tapping away at his computer and no Mum whizzing around the house, and I knew I had to do this grown-up thing now that the little one was depending almost entirely on me, but you know what – sod being grown-up, sensible and self-sufficient: the house was empty, I missed them like crazy, and I just wanted them back.

Sunday I was tired, nursing a migraine (and a baby), and strongly aware that this was the first day that we were alone with the little one. At night, when he was overtired and screaming during his nappy change, even though Him was with me, I had another moment of HELP I CAN’T DO THIS.

Rinse and repeat, tomorrow we’ll have a better day.

Protected: This Is The Reason We’ve Been Busy 20 June, 2008

Posted by monopod in Baby.
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