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Crisis 10 June, 2014

Posted by monopod in Self-Absorption.

How much does having children – maybe also growing older – change you? I seem to have lost all my lighthearted moments; sorry to anyone who used to come to this blog for the odd chuckle, because it feels rather a bit bleaker around here lately.

On Friday morning someone told me that it was good to work with someone with a brain and I told him perhaps he ought to work with someone else. I was only half joking and I think the sentiment reflects all that seems to be wrong with work at the moment. I had my annual appraisal a few weeks ago during which I was very positive about my professional development (supported by positive feedback from senior colleagues) but over the past few days it’s felt like that only happened because I saved up a huge wodge of positiveness and applied it all in one go.

In a bit of a whinge to my sister last week I said: “I find it hard to care about what I am doing and I no longer feel at the top of my game. I swing between not wanting to be part of the professional world and very brief bursts of energy at work.”

I’m sure it wasn’t always like this, although looking back over the past few years I can see that perhaps it’s been building for a while, this – what should I call it? Disillusionment? Dissatisfaction? Today I realised that I feel like I no longer have an affinity with this organisation, and find it difficult to muster interest in anything beyond the immediacy of what I’m having to deal with (if that). It is almost as if I am consciously withdrawing from engagement; I don’t feel invested in the outcomes and had to admit to myself today that actually, I don’t care.

Ok, maybe that’s overstating things a little. I feel duty bound to confirm that I do care about continuing to perform well. But I don’t actually care about the work. I can’t feel the value and the contrast I see between myself and other colleagues who *do* seem at the top of their game makes me feel inarticulate, unmotivated, distant, and basically just thick.

I thought about a sabbatical today and then mused that were I to succeed in securing one, I might not come back.

Whinge ends. Back to normal programming (hopefully).

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