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2009/2010 26 February, 2014

Posted by monopod in Self-Absorption.
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My renewed enthusiasm for blogging precipitated a scrolling through of all my Facebook posts from the start of 2011, which was when I started writing again after that last post here in October 2009.

I’ve been thinking about that year (and a bit) after I returned from maternity leave. It was a difficult year on a number of counts, coming to terms with being an inadequate mother, an inadequate wife and an inadequate employee. Hence the reference in an earlier post about not juggling things successfully. Or at all, for that matter. Reflecting on this, part of it was really my fault for having come back to a new job in a completely new area, at a higher grade, and managing a team for the first time – clearly one does like a challenge, which is probably part of the problem (expectations and being your own worst enemy, anyone?)

That was a very difficult Autumn. I wrote posts, and then I cancelled them, and then I wrote them again, and then I abandoned the blog altogether. I nearly had a breakdown partway through the year and was on the verge of handing in my notice, but with some timely support and native stubbornness managed to hang in there. This scrap from early 2011 gives a small flavour of things:

Every night I’m so tired but I dread going to bed, because that just means the morning and more failure comes around all too quickly. Ethan told me yesterday “Look at where your life is going Mummy!” I’m not sure he meant what I took from it, but he’s right, you know?

The return from maternity leave #2 was different – new job again, but a sideways move and this time no management responsibility. The confidence crisis was far less protracted and six months in, I think I’m doing an ok, if not particularly noteworthy, job. I suppose I’m older and wiser, with more work experience, and also had more perspective borne out of the fact that having been forced to leave work on time to pick Ethan up from nursery, and then being too tired to work much once he was in bed and the house put in order, inadvertently gave me a better work/life balance. If I’m honest, though, I do wonder to what degree simply ‘caring less’ about work has to do with it. I now find myself regularly dreaming up exit strategies and wishing I were with the kids. Maybe I’ve just moved further away from being a perfectionist than I would like to think and am actually happy settling for mediocrity at work.

Shudder.

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Comments»

1. ionbev - 27 February, 2014

If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t even been given a job yet but I already feel the same way 😉 so you’re doing great!!

2. monopod - 28 February, 2014

Congratulations on your new job Bev 😉


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