During our aforementioned jaunt to the Lakes we did a whole heap of very satisfying things, including a very satisfying ridge walk from Wasdale Head through Black Sail Pass to Looking Stead, Pillar, Little Scoat Fell, Red Pike and Yewbarrow (the last one incorporating our first - and yes, you guessed it, very satisfying - scramble), which I shall endeavour to write about at some point in the dim and distant future. As usual, conversation was sparkling and witty.

(1)

(Upon the occasion of a cow crossing the overhead bridge on the M6, between junctions 16 and 16, at 10.55am on 15 July)

Him: I guess the grass is greener on the other side.

(2)

(On the way to Windermere, having bought some methodically-selected antihistamines for my hayfever, with Him concentrating on the road)

Me: Do cats meow in Chinese?
Him: Huh? What?
Me: Cats.
Him: What about cats?
Me: Do they meow in Chinese? You know - dogs woof, ducks quack… so what do Chinese cats do?
Him:…
Me:…
Him: I think we bought the wrong Zirtek. We should have gotten the drowsy one.

(3)

Me: [mumble]
Him: Sorry, I don’t speak Nordic.

(4)

(Him and me on a walk somewhere near Elterwater)

Me: Look how red my knees are. I wonder why they’re so red. Hey, see how white my calves are in comparison.
Him: Mm.
Me: So pristine and pure.
Him: Yes, ok. You have sacred calves.
Me: …
Him: Sacred cows! {gales of laughter}

( … )

(Walking on the side of the road, alternating between bright sunshine and shady bits)

Him: Be careful of cars ok? They may not be able to see you because it takes a while for eyes to adjust when having to move from dark to light so much.
Me: Don’t worry, they’ll definitely see my blindingly white calves.
Him: Yeah, and then they’ll say “Holy Cow!!”

I think Him is making advance preparations for the kind of humour all Dads seem to cultivate. Alternatively it is quite possible that this is merely a function of age. Him is, after all, 29 going on 50, a fact I frequently point out. 29 going on 50 in less than a week, to be precise.

I was going to write intelligent things about the past three months, but I’m tired and it’s nearly time to go to bed, so I decided to borrow somebody else’s laurels instead (carefully selected for reasons of delicacy) (and I’ll have to use another excuse tomorrow). You get a chocolate bar or similar smile-inducing confectionery if you make up a new one for me that makes me laugh.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

ARTIST (VISUAL): You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes. In London.

BRITISH: You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to sell them in Europe.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you fill in 17 forms in triplicate and don’t have time to milk them.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CAPITALISM — AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. Then you go into real estate.

CAPITALISM — HONG KONG You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

CENTRALISM: You have two cows. And a problem finding them in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.

CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You freeze the milk and embalm the cows.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.

COMMUNISM — CHINESE: You don’t have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald’s.

COMMUNISM — CHINESE - MAO STYLE: You have two pigs. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them “voluntarily” to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don’t need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbours try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbours starve.

COMMUNISM — SOVIET: You have two cows. You count them and realize you have four cows. You drink more Vodka. You count the cows again and realize you have eleventy six cows. You drink even more Vodka. After a while, you realize that eleventy isn’t a real number. You count the cows again and have two cows. You open another bottle of Vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy four cows.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

DEMOCRACY — AMERICAN (a republic): You have two cows. The government exercises those powers delegated to it by the people, who are sovereign. The majority does not rule because the people and their representatives (elected, appointed and employed) are constrained by various checks and balances, including the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the three co-equal branches of government, and the 50 state republics (see, e.g., Article IV, section 4). So what the government does with your cows and with the milk from those cows depends on the interaction between the people and the checks and balances mentioned above.

DEMOCRACY — BRITISH: You have two cows. You feed them sheep’s brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and drafts you.

DUBAISM: You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legitimate and shady investors who hope to resell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two years’ time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cows first to attract attention.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

IDEALISM: You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.

INDUSTRIALISM: You have two cows. You dissect them both and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

MARXISM/LENINISM: The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the bourgeoisie cowherds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrate over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.

NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and then shoots you.

NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.

PACIFISM: You have two cows. They stampede you.

PLATONISM: You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

PROTECTIONISM: You have two cows. You can’t buy a bull from another country.

REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbour.

SOCRATIC METHODISM: How many cows do I have? Why?

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.

Crikey, it’s been a while. One thing after another has conspired to keep me away from the blogging fraternity. It all started out with various epiphanies somewhere around Easter - a terribly long tale, and perhaps too close to the heart for a public space - followed by an escape up North, a visit from the in-laws and the usual approach-of-term-where-did-the-summer-go madness, but I have now returned to the fold, bigger (maybe), better (maybe not), and infinitely happier (without a doubt). Included in this mix are an exhumed love for climbing - and if I ever get around to it I plan to create Nat’s Climbing Page somewhere next to the dormant Songs of The Moment - and gratification for being alive (albeit also spotty, which I’m somewhat less exuberant about). But I figure you love me anyway (or should).

I will now go to try and catch up.